In a less than surprising move, the six member Rhode Island House Republican caucus called it quits, immediately following today's session. All six disaffiliated as Republicans, and registered as Democrats. The caucus has struggled to survive in recent years due to things like the master lever, intellectual and moral bankruptcy, and complete lack of any bearing on anything remotely resembling reality due to overexposure to FOX News.
In a very small ceremony in the House Lounge, all of the House Republicans officially recanted their mantra of 'Corporations Uber Alles,' and officially signed on the dotted line becoming, for some of them, everything that they hate in the world. Emotions were mixed as the group ate the stale crostini and sipped the half empty champagne glasses left by the bacchanalian Democratic feast that took place in the lounge just prior to the session.
Doreen Costa seemed to be in a good spirits. When asked about her buoyant mood, Costa exclaimed, "Just a vote for the new Speaker got me a vice-chair. I'm betting I get something pretty big for switching parties. Ooh, maybe a judgeship!" After an infuriating 5 minutes of trying to explain to Ms. Costa that she wasn't a lawyer so, therefore, could never be a judge, she responded, "Well, now that I'm a Democrat, I just have to know a guy."
One Senate member of the Little Party that Couldn't seemed relieved. Former Senate Minority Whippersnapper, Nick Kettle said, "This is a huge weight off my shoulders, y'know? I can finally be like the other kids in my age group and vote Democrat." He was the sole GOP defector in the Senate.
Republicans have been labeled by some as a party that has a palpable undercurrent of bigotry and sexism. Experts chalk this perception up to an evolutionary advance that allows human beings to see through a thin layer of horseshit with barely a perfunctory glance.
"It's hard to be a minority these days," Mike Chippendale offered, "As Republicans, we feel we know what it's like to be discriminated against because of the way we were born. We need to overcome discrimination on the basis of color, sex, or religion, and start to build a society that discriminates only along tax brackets."
Joe Trillo seemed to be entranced in a a dewy-eyed reminiscence. At 71, he's the elder of the recently dissolved caucus. Joe is no stranger to the Democratic party, though they haven't seen one another in quite some time. I checked his pulse and asked for his thoughts on the wholesale abandonment of the House Caucus.
"When I was younger, in my 20's and 30's, I voted almost exclusively for Democrats," he said, "but as I got older, and started to do well and raise a family, I thought, 'Fuck it! I got mine and I don't want to share." He then rambled on and on about where the dump used to be in relation to "the dog track," and asked If anyone had seen his pills.
Always with his eyes on the prize, and proving to be a long-term problem solver, former Minority Leader Brian Newberry observed, "A lot of people will think that we're just giving up, and that's true, but we're doing this to give the next generation of Republicans a chance." When asked to elaborate, he said, "Look, if we give 100 percent control of the House to the Democrats, and the whole thing crumbles - and it will, because RI Democrats can't actually get their shit together - Republicans will be able to throw it in Democrats' faces for decades."
When asked if he'd ever return to the GOP, Newberry quipped, "I'll say this: I'm a white, heterosexual male, aged 18 to 49... and I ain't getting any younger."